Author: Alexander Fawn

Tips for when you’re in the city and people are handing out leaflets.

The most important thing to remember is not to expect that anybody is going to hand you a personal cheque for five thousand dollars, because the chances of that are really slim. It is far more likely that they will be leaflets. You need to realise that these people that are thrusting pieces of paper at you are just doing their job, like anybody else. No need to be rude. Of course, there are the shakers. It’s all about cans being shaken to get your attention. These guys are not giving, they’re taking. They just want your money. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, mind you. In fact, you could say that the tin-shakers’ motives are more noble than the guys handing out bits of paper. Who’s to say? Anyway, back to the paper pushers. The fact is you could end up with just about anything in your hand.

Some of the fancier ones have graphic designs. The general idea is to provide information in a small space. The flyers can range in quality a great deal, from the inexpensively photocopied stuff right through to the glossy, full-colour circulars. Sometimes it’s hard to figure out what they are advertising, but remember, don’t expect to be offered a personal cheque for five thousand dollars. Most of them are just out and out marketing. Simple text messages telling you what’s on offer. Sometimes they come with a discount, some with an expiry date. Not often, but sometimes people go to that bit of extra trouble by cutting their handout into a particular shape, such as a dog for a dog-washing service. Sometimes you get things that are more card than paper.

You’d have to say that these leaflets are a pretty passive form of marketing, unlike the aggressive types who scowl as they hand you some handbill for a protest, or the guy dressed in a sausage roll costume outside of the bakery. But, at the end of the day, there’s not a lot of harm in it. I guess they’ll always be leaflets.

Anyway, don’t forget, you shouldn’t be too surprised if no one hands over a personal cheque for five thousand dollars, but, just to be safe, it’s always smart to at least glance at it before you drop it in the bin.

Fifty seven,

It might have been heaven.

It provides an ambiance as sweet as honey,

With a location so often sunny,

And as think-tanks go, it’s good for the money,

But an unkind soul may well find it funny,

When smirking at the joys of an outdoor dunny.

But such ignobility was never the case,

As the stay in question never took place!

–

The booking itself had to move.

The state of affairs didn’t improve.

–

You’d say that number five,

Is a bit of a dive.

Modernity is something

The place is not at all rich in.

You wash from a tin,

And put out the bin,

And it’s always ten to four in the kitchen!

She had always been the same.

Ever since they first met, she’d been a complainer. He really loved her, but she never seemed to be satisfied with anything he tried to do for her. When it wasn’t him she was grumbling about, it was something else. She was always dissatisfied about something. Like the cost of bus fares or the noisy trucks passing along their street, or the local shop forever running out of bread, or the house across the road with its front garden that had nothing but weeds. Some of the children in the street weren’t very respectful towards her. As for the newcomer who had just moved into 14b with all the tattoos and an obvious drinking problem and what he said to her… well she couldn’t stop talking about that!

He really wanted to do something extra special for her birthday. The box of chocolates seemed to go down well, but their trip down to the cellar was something else. He switched the light on and led the way.

When she reached the bottom… that’s when she began to scream.

He we go again, he thought. You would think that she’d be absolutely delighted to find the corpse of the rude man from 14b, lying on their cellar floor.

At the time, she couldn’t understand why he didn’t turn up.

They had been dating for several months. She’d met him in the Christian book shop. They seemed to have so much in common. He had struck her as being a very caring and decent guy. They had even discussed marriage briefly on occasion. He was definitely reliable. If he was running a few minutes late, he would text her. He was thoughtful like that. He was probably delayed at work, or he may have had problems finding somewhere to park. Of course, there was always car trouble. There was bound to be a good reason. Anyway, she had arrived at the cinema’s foyer early. The main feature wouldn’t start for another ten minutes, but he was cutting it fine. Then, with only a couple of minutes to go, she went back out onto the street and looked up and down. Checking the time once more, she could see that they weren’t going to make it. No big deal, really. He would text her later. She just hoped he was all right.

Resigned to the fact that it wasn’t going to happen, she made her way to the bus stop. She was crossing the street when she came face to face with his image. A head and shoulders close-up, right there on the large TV screen in the shop window. She stood gaping when the caption came up, ‘Man arrested for murdering his wife. Brutal slaying shocks neighbours’.

She carried on along the street, Oh! Dear, what a shame, she thought.

She was British.

They had always enjoyed their special morning ritual.

The house is just not the same without her, but this morning would be different. He wakes to the smell of freshly brewed coffee. Downstairs he finds two slices of buttered fruit loaf sitting on a pre-warmed plate. The morning paper has been brought in and placed next to the plate. He opens it and sits for a while eating, drinking and reading. He then wanders into the lounge with his paper and settles down in his usual armchair. A short time later he walks back through the kitchen and goes out into the garden, where he looks for her, happily pottering around. Naturally enough, she isn’t there.

The house is just not the same without her.

He wakes with a jolt.

It was all there, intact, everything that could possibly be known, was known.

It was all there for me. All that any human had ever wanted to know about life within the universe and beyond. A great amassing of all information about everything. A vast aggregation of knowledge. The meaning of life. The beginnings of life on Earth detailed. An explanation of consciousness. The cures for all diseases. Knowledge of all life forms in the universe. All forms of matter understood. Black holes and dark energy fully described. Full knowledge of superconductivity. Quantum computing made clear. Quarks laid bare. The cosmological constant fully explained. The origin of particle masses made clear. A complete analysis of the fundamental grand unified theory of forces. A complete breakdown of all astrophysical objects. A thorough understanding of the level of stability in the universe. The answers to the multiverse. The origin of the universe given in detail, and a comprehensive knowledge of all new particles that are yet to be discovered…

Now?

Nothing!

It all went as I was wrapped in a towel and handed to my next mother.

When the new general manager was appointed it was obvious that things were going to change.

The company had been doing well, but the new man felt things could improve. Moving around the various departments, chatting to staff, there were a few complaints. He felt that there could be a greater level of satisfaction within the company. Based on these findings, he issued a directive stating that a programme of increasing staff satisfaction would be implemented over the coming weeks. A policy was drawn up and posted on all floors within the building. Staff Satisfaction Forms were produced and issued to all staff, where individuals could rate their own personal level of satisfaction on a scale of one to ten. These were to be filled out daily. Each floor had an appointed monitor whose job it was to collect all completed forms at the end of each working day and distribute new ones first thing on the following morning.

The manager decided that the project should run for a month followed by an overall review. An employee was given the job of taking the information provided on the individual forms and entering it into a dedicated database, where results could be analysed on a daily basis, with weekly reports going to the manager. The staff had mixed feelings at first, but this went downhill rapidly. It was at the end of the third week that the programme fell apart.

On the Friday, as a result of a general consensus among the entire company’s staff, satisfaction forms were used to give each staff member’s immediate notice to quit.

It was meant to be such a beautiful, perfect life, moving towards a happily ever after.

Of course, that should have been how my life story played out. Somehow, things just got in the way. I guess it all started when I was expelled from school. That was just a couple of weeks before my parents were killed in a car accident. Then came all that delinquency trouble in the institution. Later, things started to look up when I got a job, managed to get a house, buy a car and got married. Probably the best few weeks of my life. Then, she left me, I lost my job, the car was stolen and the house burnt down. It was just after this that I was diagnosed with an incurable disease. I was living on the street when my dog got run over. Begging didn’t go well. Burglary didn’t work out either. It upset local criminal gangs. Several mobsters were out to kill me. Most of the houses I broke into didn’t have much worth stealing. The police didn’t see it that way. I’m really not enjoying prison life.

You know, I had no idea how truly dreadful prison life really is.

He was a longstanding member of the nation’s top aerial display team.

Of course, along with the other five highly trained aviators, he always had to be in tip-top condition both mentally and physically prior to a show. In some strange way, the fact that he hadn’t slept very well for several days and had many peculiar visions, both during the day and night, was of no concern. Some of the imagery that had continually played out was quite enjoyable, like watching his bedroom ceiling pulsating, for instance. He found this to be positively fascinating. Watching his furniture change shape and colour was another thing that had kept him amused. However, the hands that constantly came up out of the floor, trying to grab his ankles, weren’t so much fun, but he was kind of proud of the fact that his agility meant they had never succeeded in dragging him down through the floor.

Anyway, none of this seemed to be an issue as he arrived at the venue. He was pumped up and ready to go. Apart from the occasional odd look from other flight team members, everything was hunky-dory.

It never did occur to him that any of this had anything to do with the mushroom casserole that the lady across the street, with the barking dog, had surprisingly baked for him a few nights ago, to show that she had no hard feelings about the nasty things he had said about her lovely ‘Boofy Boy’.

Although, as he climbed into the cockpit of his plane, a minor belch did remind him of it.

She knew that she had fallen again.

That’s all she knew for sure. Maybe it was the painkillers that the paramedics had given her. There was a lot of pain when they answered her call. One of them said it could be her hip, but he wasn’t sure. The ambulance seemed to be going very fast. The attendant sitting next to her was filling out a form. They had both been very nice. She began to feel drowsy again. She was rocking about on the bed. She had been thinking about things recently. Life was changing for her. She was on her own. That was her life now. From the time her cat died and it was decided, by somebody, that she shouldn’t take on the responsibility of owning another one. That had made her very sad. She could remember that. She wondered who it was that had said that. Was it the vet? She couldn’t remember. There was so much that she couldn’t remember.

She sighed softly to herself. None of the children know where I am right now, she thought. It was amazing that they should all live so far away…

The ambulance came to a halt. Things would be on the move again.

It was nice to just spend time thinking about things, she thought. Maybe it was the painkillers.

As the doors swung open, she thought, I hope my hip’s all right…