He was finding it impossible to put the previous evening’s events out of his head.
When he thought about it, settling into his seat on the bus, he realised they were not events as such, but a conversation. A very long and excruciatingly drawn out dialogue between him and her. As for telling her, well, wasn’t this admission a very personal and private thing? It had been a case of self-effacement, or maybe self-deprecation. He sat wondering about that before bringing out his phone and looking up definitions. Had it been effacement or deprecation? After a few clicks he read; effacement, this was about wiping something out or erasing it. It was about keeping oneself in the background. Then, he read that deprecation was about being involved an earnest disapproval or belittlement. He felt confused. Had he got it right? He decided that it was a matter of both.
It had started just after dinner. The conversation, a perfectly normal exchange between them, had changed radically when he made the statement. It had been a simple statement; simple but true. He had told her that on that precise topic being discussed, he was absolutely no good at such things. In fact, he was unquestionably hopeless. He had followed this with an apology. It was at this point that she had said that this was nonsense. The look on her face when she said it came back to him. He felt his cheeks reddening as he went on considering the lengthy conversation that had followed.
He looked out through the vibrating window and asked himself, was that true, what he had told her, what he had said? Yes, it was. It had always been the case with him. Surely, a thing like this should be respected. After all, he didn’t have to openly admit to that particular failing. It was a personal weakness. A flaw that had always been there. It wasn’t easy, laying himself bare like that. Then, in a quite illogical twist, she had accused him of being self-centred. This was tantamount to saying that he was selfish! Surely, despite the fact that it was his original declaration that had started the whole thing off, such an admission on his part would have to indicate the complete opposite!
Although, he had to concede that his announcement had been basically all about him, and to that degree it had quite obviously been all about himself… His head was spinning as he saw that he was getting close to the city.
He blew his nose furiously. That usually worked to clear his head; it did.
By the time the bus pulled into his stop, he had worked it all out. It would start with him booking into a hotel for a week, then he would call her after a couple of days, out of politeness if nothing else.
She really should have listened to his self… self, whatever it was!