She knew that she wasn’t the most likeable person.
It was a cold night and the thin blanket that covered her, in the gap between the dumpster and the wall, just wasn’t up to the job of keeping it out. She lay there shivering and thinking. She remembered, when she was little, her father telling her that some people were simply meant to be cold. She closed her eyes, still thinking. She’d actually known that she wasn’t likeable for some time. It started at infants’ school, being rude and disrespectful to teachers, fidgeting and not listening to what she was being told, spitting, nose-picking and always eating with her mouth open seemed to come naturally to her. Fiddling with her hair, popping zits, picking scabs, belching, not flossing and poor hygiene generally, were all ongoing. Then, she supposed, being ungrateful and greedy, being defiant, together with outright lying and cheating came a little later. She knew her thoughts were rambling.
She squirmed and thought about all the bullying, biting fingernails, swearing, picking fights and telling other people’s secrets became the norm. Even later came spending too much time on social media, along with occasions of overly affectionate displays in public. There was a time of constantly checking her mobile phone without regard for others, eating much too much fast food, drinking far too much alcohol, spending endless hours on video games, obsessively snacking, staying up late, sleeping-in and never being on time. There was talking loudly during movies, exaggerating, eavesdropping, being argumentative, all with the result of annoying other people, overspending and maxing out on all of her credit cards.
The rambling continued. She remembered how she had continually argued with her parents and eventually got thrown out. She had upset every boy she’d ever had a date with and she could never hold down a job. She pondered the idea that it was totally inevitable that she should wind up on the street as a vagrant, begging for money and sleeping rough.
She adjusted her blanket.
Somehow, she thought, there was some sort of balance to all this. Some kind of unavoidable, fundamental principal at play.
She sighed and smiled softly when she considered her one saving grace…
She had never really liked anybody…